


take me as i am

by seventhousandwords (tenthousandwords)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Tree Bros, basically it's?? gay, connor is the gayest because guys, evan is the bi-est because he's e v a n, honestly not very angsty because i'm a sucker for fluff and angst makes me anxious, not very slow burn, probably gonna have less than 10 chapters, the Boys?? did u mean the Gays, updates regularly, zoe and alana are really gay for each other and it's my life goals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-18 06:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11285898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenthousandwords/pseuds/seventhousandwords
Summary: when Connor runs off with Evan's note in the computer lab, every inch of Evan wants to turn and run away from the situation. but something in Connor's angry words makes him stop and do his best to rectify the situation . . . (aka what if Ev had explained what his note actually meant and Connor hadn't died and they had been super god damn gay together)





	1. i never meant to make it such a mess

**Author's Note:**

> hey all!! this is my first tree bros fic but i've had a fan account for it (@evans.trees on insta) and been pretty into deh for a long while now. warning: there's gonna be cursing and anxiety (mostly basing that on my own experience). i'm going to update as much as possible :)

_Come on, print print print. Print so I don’t miss the bus._

Evan Hansen was standing in the computer lab, drumming his fingers on the edge of his computer, waiting impatiently for his therapy letter to print. His mind drifted back to earlier today, Jared referring to his therapist-assigned letters to himself as “weird sex letters.” Had he been adamant enough that that was _not_ what the letters were? He knew Jared was just joking, but what if somebody else had overheard them talking while walking by? And what if, at this very moment, they were spreading rumors about him, and people would start to talk about him, and-

“Uh . . . this yours?”

An unfamiliar voice jerked Evan out of his thoughts. He turned and nearly stumbled backwards at the tall, imposing figure facing him.

Connor Murphy, noted stoner and possible future school shooter (according to Jared) stood before him. _Why was he talking to Evan?_ Did he want to sell him drugs or something? _Oh god, I can barely say no when they ask if I want sauce with that in a drive-thru, how am I gonna resist a drug pusher?_

That was when Evan realized he had been standing in shocked silence for probably ten solid seconds. 

“I mean, I saw it printing and you were the only one here.” Connor brandished the letter again, and Evan noticed chipped black nail polish on the thumb that held the paper from the top. 

“Y-yeah . . .” He mumbled, rubbing his arm with the opposite hand. He was about to reach out and take the paper. 

Connor almost smiled. “No one’s signed your cast.” 

“Oh, no, they haven’t”- but before Evan could finish, Connor was pulling a Sharpie out of the pocket of his hoodie and tucking Evan’s letter under his arm so that he could sign - in huge, block letters. 

“Uh . . . thanks?” Evan said hesitantly. Connor’s name took up his whole arm, visible even from a distance. _What are people going to think of me if they think I’m buddies with the school weirdo?_

“Hey,” he said, patting Evan’s cast a little too hard, “now we can both pretend we have friends, right?” 

Evan nodded meekly. 

Connor glanced down at the paper he still held, putting away his Sharpie. “I mean, Evan Hansen, that’s your name, right?” he asked, and there was a certain vulnerability about him that Evan had never really seen before, not in Connor, who always had walls up and an angry demeanor to match. Hell, earlier that day he had pushed Evan in the hallway. But now Evan could almost see the human side of Connor, the soft blue eyes, the softer looking long hair . . . 

Connor’s eyes continued to scan the letter until his eyebrows furrowed together. 

“Why the fuck is my sister in this?” 

Evan’s heart began to beat a mile a minute. In only a second, any softness, gentleness he could have seen in Connor was gone, replaced by anger. Rage. 

“Oh, I see, you saw I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you thought you’d print some creepy shit about my sister because you knew I’d see it, huh? Huh!” 

“No, why would I d-d-do that?” Evan managed to spit out before Connor lashed out at him again. 

“Oh, so then you could tell your story about crazy Connor the pothead, crazy Connor the school shooter, crazy Connor who went crazy on you because he’s just such a fucking psycho!” Connor was seething now, Evan could see it, his face red, almost involuntarily inching towards his target- Evan. 

“Because you think I don’t see how they look at me? You think I haven’t been called ‘basket case,’ and ‘druglord’ and ‘fag’ and ‘freak’ and everything else in the book?” He was practically spitting words. Evan had never been hit, but this was the closest he’d ever felt to it. “You thought it would be funny to pile on the kid who’s already losing, the kid who’s already trying to kill himself every other week, because why not keep kicking while he’s down, right?” Connor finished, breathless. It was probably all in Evan’s head, but for a second he almost thought he could see tears building at the corners of Connor’s eyes. 

And just as quickly as he had started, he turned on his heel and stormed out. 

Still holding Evan’s letter. 

Evan shook himself out of his daze and began to run after the other boy. “Connor, wait! I really need that letter! I wasn’t trying to hurt you . . .” but it was hopeless. He couldn’t catch up to Connor’s long legs and he was no match for the other boy’s wild anger. 

Evan leaned against the doorway in total despair. He had lost his letter, and there was no way he was catching the bus now. 

\--- 

“Wait wait wait. Let me get this straight- school shooter Connor Murphy _voluntarily_ talked to you after school yesterday, signed your cast, got super angry and ran off with your sex letter?” 

“Yeah - wait, Jared, I _told_ you, it’s not that kind of letter”- 

Evan could hear Jared’s laughter on the other end of the phone. “And you want me to actually call Zoe Murphy. Whose number, mind you, I only have through Alana Beck, whose number I only have through her Snapchat which I only have through her Instagram, which will all sound _very creepy_ to Zoe. You want me to call her and- what do you want me to even say to her?” 

Evan took a deep breath. He had to do this, after all. Connor’s words had been echoing around in his head since he’d stormed out of the computer lab. _You thought it would be funny to pile on the kid who’s already losing, the kid who’s already trying to kill himself every other week, because why not keep kicking while he’s down, right?_ He couldn’t get it out of his head. He didn’t want Connor to think he was like those other people, and if Connor did anything impulsive, Evan would never forgive himself. 

“I n-need you to tell Zoe to give you Connor’s number, for you to give to me. I want to . . . apologize.” 

“Apologize?! For what? He’s the one who flipped out at you.” 

“Yeah, because he thought I was t-t-t-trying to hurt him, you know?” 

“Whatever. I mean, you’re toast anyway, because if maniac Murphy actually approached you voluntarily, he probably either wants to murder you in you sleep or fuck you. Neither of which are exactly good things coming from that druggie.” 

Jared was using the exact words Connor had said earlier. “No, he’s not l-like that”- 

“What, a druggie, a murderer, or gay? I mean we already have confirmation on number one, number two is entirely possible - see number one - and as for number three, well, he paints his nails, right?” 

__

__

Evan felt his face flush, and he was glad the other boy couldn’t see him. “Jared! That’s a stereotype, I”- 

“Whatever whatever, tree boy. If you want to slide into that freak’s DMs, be my guest, but maybe start writing your will now.” 

Evan actually began to feel hopeful. “So you’ll do it?” 

“Be sure to tell your mom I did you a favor,” was his only response before the line went dead. 

\--- 

Evan jumped as a text pinged into his phone not a half hour later. 

**Kleinman: all clear. it took some convincing on little murphy’s part, but i got the stoner’s # if you still want to use it**

**[Kleinman has sent a contact.]**

Evan smiled. 

**Evan: Great, thanks**

**Kleinman: no prob. remember what i said abt telling your mom, k?**

**Evan: Alright**

He quickly added Connor’s contact into his phone. He typed and retyped his first message a total of seven times (not that he was counting). Finally, after reading and rereading his edited message, he pressed send. 

He immediately regretted it. But there was no going back now. 

**Evan: Hey Connor, this is Evan from the computer lab today. I just wanted to tell you that I didn’t write that letter to hurt you or anything, in fact I didn’t even write it for you; I didn’t know you were in the lab. I have severe social anxiety and I see a therapist and take meds for it, and one of my assignments for therapy was to write letters to myself explaining why it was going to be a good day, to build confidence and stuff. Obviously yesterday wasn’t a great day for me and the letter reflects that. It only mentions Zoe because, well, I don’t have that many friends, and she just seems really cool and I’ve had a sort-of crush on her for a while (please don’t tell her). I’m really sorry if I unintentionally hurt you today.** **\- Evan Hansen**

As soon as he sent it, he was pointing out flaws to himself - it was far too long, too formal, and he had shared way too much. Connor would probably tell Zoe about Evan’s crush and then Zoe would think he was weird and Evan’s year would be ruined just like that, and- 

**Connor: oh.**

Evan sucked in a breath and fought back the urge to type out something else. _Oh, what?_ or _Everything okay?_ or _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. He’ll text more when he’s ready,_ Evan reminded himself. _Hopefully._

Sure enough, a few moments later another message dinged in. 

**Connor: yeah okay.**

Evan felt relief flow through him. “yeah okay” was a best case scenario response. “yeah okay” was _fantastic._

**Connor: sorry. i have some issues of my own and i tend to take out personal shit on other people. doesn’t really make the shit you wrote about my sister any less creepy, but i guess it’s less personal now.**

**Connor: thanks for telling me.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so con has calmed down a bit. we might get a chapter from his perspective in a little while. next chapter should be up tomorrow (:
> 
> if you comment then you help write the story-- no joke a nice comment or two can give me motivation to write another chapter or so. but even if you don't comment, thanks to any + all who read this ily
> 
> ~note: i know every fic writer has evan's stutter with only one extra syllable (n-no, c-could, etc) but i know multiple people with stutters irl and that's hardly ever how it is every time. sorry if i disrupt the flow, it's for the sake of realism, bear with me


	2. meet the murphys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another unexpected encounter with the Murphys when Zoe chooses Evan as her partner for a project

For Evan, the next few days passed without incident. Well, relatively without incident. Connor hadn’t been at school the day after their fight, but he was in first and second period the day after that. One thing Evan noticed was something that never happened - Alana Beck was absent. Which was probably why, when Mr. Delaney told them to pick partners, he found Zoe Murphy sliding into the desk across from him.

His face lit up, first in surprise, then elation, then terror. _What if she starts talking to you and finds out how uncool you really are and never wants to talk to you again??_ He reminded himself to breathe. _Okay but this is also a chance to talk to her. That’s good, this is . . . good._

“H-h-hey, Zoe,” he breathed out. He could already feel his face heating up. Would she think it was weird that he knew her name? What if she didn’t like the work he did on the project? _Oh god, this was all a terrible idea, you should just go up and ask Mr. Delaney if you can work alone, she won’t want to work with you after she talks to you-_

“Hey, Evan,” Zoe said nonchalantly. She was so amazingly calm, Evan envied it. He noticed that she was wearing pink lip gloss.

Zoe cleared her throat. Evan looked up from her lips to her eyes, feeling all the blood in his body rush to his face. Had he been staring? Did she think he was weird?

“Do you want to be partners for the mini-project? I mean, we can work on most of it in class, and if not, we can do the rest at my house. Or yours if you want,” Zoe continued as if Evan weren’t the most awkward human being on the planet. _Probably in the whole universe._

She’s just being polite. She’s trying to find a way out of it. “Y-yeah, if you’re sure.”

Zoe’s small smile suddenly disappeared, and her quick mood change almost reminded Evan of her brother. “Evan, if you don’t want to work with me that’s fine,” she said, rather sharply.

Evan’s brain immediately went into overdrive. _Shit, shit, shit, you fucked up, you fucked up like you ALWAYS fuck up._ “N-n-n-no, no, it’s not like that! I want to work with you, but I thought that you might not want to work with me. Just, um, you know, I’m, uh, weird?” the sentence ended like he was asking a question. “And awkward, a-and people usually find that, uh, weird, you know? Um . . .” He trailed off, bright red, and suddenly became aware that he had been talking way too fast. Zoe didn’t look mad, per se, but maybe a little confused.

“Okay, disregarding most of what you just said because to be honest I didn’t catch most of it, I think you want to work with me. Right?”

Evan just nodded. _Every time you open your mouth she hates you more. Moron._

“Okay. Cool. Well, I want to work with you, so let’s work together. And besides, it’s just a mini-project, yeah?” She was encouraging. Like she wanted Evan to feel safe.

She was so nice.

Yet somehow, for some reason, Evan was still thinking about Connor. His little smile as he’d tried to hand Evan his paper the first time. Zoe had a similar smile. Connor’s chipped nail polish . . .

 _Why are you thinking about Connor?_ A voice in Evan’s head that sounded suspiciously like Jared asked.

Evan shut it up and tried his best to focus on the Murphy at hand. Unfortunately, Mr. Delaney announced that the bell was about to ring and that they should pack up. Zoe tossed Evan a piece of paper. “Write your number down, okay? I’ll text you later and we can meet up today or tomorrow or something.” Evan nodded and quickly scribbled down his number. As he followed Zoe out of the classroom, he hoped she could read his handwriting. He hoped that their work on the project together wouldn’t be too awkward. He hoped for a lot of things.

\---

School finally ending felt like a giant weight lifting off Evan’s shoulders. Sure, there was still the bus, but he mostly just plugged his headphones in and the other kids didn’t really bother him. He knew he still had another day of the week left, but he had escaped the expectant teachers, judgy kids, and panic-inducing assignments, if only for the day.

When he took out his phone to select some music for the bus ride home, noticed a text had come in and he hadn’t noticed.

**unidentified number: hey it’s zoe. if you want to work on the project at my house today, my car’s in the parking lot. if today doesn’t work for you, we can do it tomorrow or saturday :)**

Evan smiled. Zoe actually wanted to see him! The project wasn’t due until Monday and she was already inviting him over to work on it. He quickly entered her name into his contacts and then texted her back.

**Evan: We can work on it tonight, I don’t have plans. Be there in a sec**

He brushed off the thought of _what if she thinks you’re lame because you said you don’t have plans_ as he walked to the school parking lot. He spotted Zoe by a light blue Volkswagen beetle - exactly the type of car he’d expect her to have. But as he approached the car, he realized there was somebody with her - one Connor Murphy.

Evan didn’t know how to feel about Connor being there. On the one hand, he actually did like Connor. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy . . . until he totally flipped out. That was the other hand.

“Hey, Zoe, hey, C-connor,” Evan said, approaching the car and managing a smile. Surprisingly enough, both Murphys returned the smile.

“Hi, Evan!” Zoe called, waving him over, though he was clearly already headed in their direction.

Once Evan was actually standing by the car, Connor opened one of the back doors. “You can take shotgun, Ev,” he said, swinging his lanky frame into the backseat.

 _Ev._ No one really called him that, except occasionally his mom. He thought he might like it.

“So.” Zoe started the car and pulled out of her space. “How do you two know each other?”

Evan felt his face heat up and his hands get sweaty. How was he going to explain that he had to chase Connor down after he freaked about Evan’s _crush on Zoe?_

Connor must have seen him panic, because he saved the other boy. “Oh, we talked in the computer lab a couple days ago. We don’t really know each other properly, though,” and he almost made it sound like he wished they did. Evan must have been imagining it, though.

\---

“Mind if I join you?”

Evan and Zoe had both underestimated the simplicity of the project. Once they had finished about ten out of the fourteen slides of their PowerPoint, Zoe deemed that they could finish the rest in class. They spent their extra time watching what was apparently one of Zoe’s favorite shows, _Glee._

And here, for some reason, was Connor, wanting to watch with them.

Evan and Zoe sat at opposite ends of the couch, so Connor took the space between them. Evan was strangely conscious of how close they were sitting, of Connor’s black painted nails drumming on the couch cushions, of his foot bouncing in his grey sock as though it couldn’t stay still. He kept a running sarcastic commentary about the events of the show, but Evan could tell he loved it almost as much as Zoe, just from the amount he already knew about it.

“Right, because Sue is still teaching there, even though she has literally been physically bullying students for years and it’s not like that’s illegal or anything.”

“Kurt, kick Sebastian’s ass. We all know he deserves it.”

“Really, Santana? Really? You’re just going to give him the tape of him admitting what he did because clearly you’ll never need it in the future and you know that for sure?”

“Quinn, I love you, but stop being so goddamn petty before someone beats your ass.”

Evan didn’t quite get what was going on in the show, so he just rolled with it, because clearly both the Murphy siblings were very invested in it. He had a vague idea from the intro - “and that’s what you missed on _Glee!_ ” - but was still slightly confused. At first, Zoe answered his questions, but eventually Connor took over.

“Why does Quinn talk about past mistakes so much? And why is everyone so dramatic about talking about her past and future and stuff?”  
“Oh, she got pregnant in season one.”  
“Oh my god, really?”  
“Yup.”

“What’s Brittany’s deal?”  
“Oh, she’s just really fucking stupid, but we all forgive her because she’s a bi icon.”

“Is he . . . gay?”  
“Obviously.”

\---

As an episode ended, Evan checked his watch, and was shocked to realize that it was already almost seven thirty. “O-oh, um, I should go. My mom will be home soon.”

Zoe nodded, eyes still on the screen. “Con, can you give him a ride home?”

Connor’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he stood. “Yeah, sure.” He brushed himself off and motioned for Evan to follow him to the door.

They took Zoe’s car, the only one in the garage. Zoe had explained that their dad was working late and their mom was having a ‘spa day.’ Evan wasn’t quite sure what a spa day was, only that he’d never known anyone to get one.

“So where do you live?” Connor asked, pulling the car out of the driveway. Surprisingly, he drove almost as carefully as Zoe.

“Uh, the corner of Elm and Staunton, do you know where that is?”

Connor nodded. As he adjusted the rearview mirror, Evan noticed the cinnamon-scented tree that hung from it. Everything about this car screamed Zoe, and Evan’s curiosity got the better of him.

“So do you . . . h-have a car?” he asked hesitantly.

He saw Connor’s jaw tighten and his knuckles go white on the steering wheel, and he immediately wished he hadn’t asked. Connor just kept his eyes glued to the road and breathed practiced calming breaths. After an agonizing minute, he answered.

“No.”

Evan waited to see if he would elaborate.

“No, I don’t. I started smoking pot a couple months before I got my license, and my parents . . . well, they deemed me unfit to drive.” He sighed. “I honestly can’t blame them. But Zoe’s the perfect child, so . . .” He took a hand off the wheel to gesture at the car.

Evan nodded. He realized he had hit a sensitive subject, but that Connor had actually contained himself and been nice about it. “Okay,” he said quietly.

The rest of the car ride was a comfortable silence, until Connor pulled up in front of Evan’s house. “Night, Hansen,” he said, his hands releasing the steering wheel, one patting Evan’s shoulder awkwardly.

Evan half-laughed. “Good night, Connor.”

Evan fished the key out of his pocket and - shit - dropped it. Only as he bent to pick it up did he realize the blue car was still sitting on the street. Connor must have been waiting to make sure he got inside. The thought made him smile as he unlocked the door, and he waved as Connor drove away.

As Evan fell asleep, he got a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. He realized that for the first time in his life - not by family ties, or parental friendships, or a seating chart - he had _friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one was less funny and more exposition, it was necessary. (you should know that i deleted like half the glee commentary because i realized no one wants to hear me rant about glee. i love glee though.)
> 
> connor's pov chapter will be either chapter 3 or 4!
> 
> as always, kudos and comments fuel the story! i'll be on flight for a couple hours today, so i might actually get something written. :)


End file.
